The Art of Masturbation

There are several advantages to masturbation. And, to know that some holy-rollers believe it to be “sinful” is just unfathomable. They actually justify the sinfulness via biblical scripture e.g. Onanism. What are we going to do with the bible - and the Qur’an? Unbelievable!


Years ago I felt stupid after I pleasured myself. Not sure why I felt like a dude who was so pathetic that he had to masturbate. I guess at the time I believed that I should not have to jerk off. It was a logical thought. I was vibrantly young with a young man's body. My six pack was easier to identify. I had less gray hair. I definitely had more energy. One and done was not a part of my sex repertoire. Well hold up, it depended on my level of attraction to the young lady. And, I was a tidbit more outgoing. Less conservative.

Now, masturbation is somewhat of a saving grace. When I am done I don't have to worry about what the conversation should be like the next day. Should I call or should I wait? What should I say? Should I ask her out?

I remember my first same night hook-up - that later flourished into a meaningful relationship - by the way. The young lady must have known that I was calling just to 'acknowledge' her. Courtesy call. During the brief conversation she said, "Brian, I am a big girl. I didn’t need for you to call me. We had sex and I enjoyed it. I will talk to you later. I have a lot to do today." The relief I felt! The weight was lifted.

With my weekly pleasures of self I don't have to worry about the emotions that come with a sexual encounter. The God-awful emotions, in my experience, that starts with the female. These are the emotions that I am convinced stem from two places: feelings of unworthiness and societal pressure. Society whether we want to believe it or not still has a psychological hold on women when it comes to them giving it up. She is expected to be at love's footstep, in love, commitment ready, or at the least considering boyfriend/girlfriend status.

The thoughts of non-appreciation (unworthy) are natural especially if the female values her sex. Her vagina. However, I am prepared to say that this too is an uncalled for thought. A psychological impediment. I am certainly not implying that women should not place a value on sexual activity. Nope!

What I am trying to convey is that the woman’s sex should not be some illusive commodity that loses its sparkle just because it is given up. This thinking leads to wasteful disappointment that then leads to senseless drama e.g. keying of cars, public outburst, name calling (dog), and lost friendships.

The ridiculous fallout can be prevented for men with some good lotion and a willingness to fight the temptation to conquer. That’s what it is all about for men. Conquering. Devouring the prey (women). Once a man starts having sex it becomes so lamely routine that he has to make the act about something more than getting some. He brutishly creates an atmosphere that usually only exist in his mind to compete with himself. To validate his manhood. The orgasm is secondary to a large degree. It is a tingling byproduct of the need to feel like a Man. And, unfortunately too many men attach manhood to sexual activity. Think about all these men who pop Viagra in an effort to be a stud in bed…?

We learn early to “hit as much ass as you can”.

But, if we were smart or when we get a little smarter we (men) learn to master The Art of Masturbation. The art is not in the motion, the stroke. It is in defeating that urge to be the Man we were told that we have to be.

Wish I would have learned this sooner…the foolishness that could have been prevented. Damn it!

The Shadow

Insecurity is a MF

Black men do a whole lot of talking and complaining about how insecure black women are – and the reasons are abundant. The insecurities are! With this understanding so much can be said about why black men and women in America are so insecure.


I have heard and listed the reasons of why before. Frankly, I am sick and tired of the go-to-reasons! And, for the record I have prefaced the reasons as legitimate justifications and unfortunately as lame excuses.

So, I want to begin this conversation by acknowledging that I have insecurities. Several of them are overly present in my life and the others are latent. They come forth when I begin to feel...You guessed it: Insecure.
My momma told me one day, "Never, never disclose all your insecurities to a female. If you do she will play on them one day. Use them against you."

Was momma right?

Also, I am of the belief that black men (some) need to ditch this machismo attitude of 'I am the man'. When I have said this in argument or in defense with a girlfriend, I knew when it left my mouth that I sounded like an idiot. "I am the man." Yes, I am the man. Obvious? Just dumb on my part!

That's the problem, the Obvious. Black men are so busy dealing with the obvious. And, not with what may be the problem.

We (black men) have some work to do, and for any black man reading and wondering why I wrote this…just think about how much time you spend on trying to be The Man…You sound like an IDIOT!

And, please - Black Man - don’t come at me with that weak position: ‘White men too…’. Save that for someone willing to listen and allow you to deflect.

-The Shadow

Women are NOT Victims

As some men 'grow' in the complicated world of relationship he will be told that he is the reason for the way some women behave and respond under stressful relationship situations e.g. refer to a man as a dog when in fact female allowed him to be a dog with female.

While agree that man (male), in general, is the reason for so much strife and that he has made extremely damaging decisions that have negatively affected the entire planet e.g. war, slavery, and so much more - I am not prepared to declare any longer that men are the reason for Ms. Victim to be in Victim Status. As a male friend of 20 plus years told me, “You have allowed for women to manipulate you into making poor decisions regarding other friendships.” He is right…I have immediately taken the female’s side on occasion. When I should have investigated a little more. While this is a good approach in theory (come to the aid of the female) it has proven to be detrimental for me: What I have learned is Ms. Victim in her self-induced pain is overwhelmingly calculated and conniving. To the extent she will ruin a man’s reputation and stain his character as a result.

It is high time for some females to do everything possible to avoid the pathetic Victim Room. It actually does not work with most men, The Woe is Me Syndrome. Many men have been known to exploit it. When I think about it with my caveman instinct, he should.

Many of us (men) begin to lose respect for women who play this Victim Card time after time. It is unattractive. It is deplorable. It has been the reason for so much drama! It causes men who are growing into positive maturity to avoid relationship during a valuable period in his life: His 40’s and 50’s (taken from a psychologist).

It is indication that Ms. Victim has issues that need to be addressed with a therapist.

-The Shadow Series

Keeping the Legs Closed

Sometimes in life we lose friends. Sometimes you gain/make a friend. I have had the opportunity to have a few friends that have been good for my life. I am sitting here hoping I have enriched someone else's life with my 90% friendship. I did not give 100%. I have been unable to because I am aware that people hurt each other. So, I shield most of myself from people's shit! The remaining 10% stays in reserves so I will not be on E when my friend decides to do what human nature dictates: LOOK OUT FOR SELF.

I have been the hurter and I have been hurt. I am deeply sorry for all those I have hurt. What I find interesting: most of the friends I have hurt are female. That to me is arresting. Why? Because it is obvious to me that most of the female friends I have had the pleasure to have in my life ended up WANTING me. Wanting me to be more than a friend. That is not ego talking. It is my truth. It is what I have been able to glean, and I believe that I am right.

My dreadful mistake was when I participated in taking the friendship to an intimacy level even after I told the female friend that I am not interested in more than what we have, friendship. That was my colossal mistake.

The question remains, what blunder did the female friend make? It is obvious: when she thought she could separate emotion from reality. Emotion came along as soon as she opened her legs. Reality exited the room for a moment of sex.

Reality remained the next day for me. Not for female friend. That was the collision. The accident. That's when my friendship with the female ended.

I write all of the above to express:

Women, when a man show you his card believe it is the right card. It is not a trick. Take him for what he has said and displayed. If he says, 'I am not interested in a relationship.' BELIEVE him! And keep ya legs closed! And finally, stop allowing yourself to be ruled by emotion. Emotion keeps ya wide open. It makes you desperate. Try to control it. Don't get rid of it. Just control it - or make every effort to
KEEP YA LEGS CLOSED.

-The Shadow

Karma is a coming

I am of the belief that certain people -not all- are in our lives to help us receive the inevitable, Karma.

We get what we deserve in this world. You reap what you sow - is a saying that I refuse to believe in regards to those of us who are The Least of Us. The Innocent. There is no way I will ever believe an aging lady taking a morning stroll deserved or reaped to be viciously attacked by three pit bulls.

What I will boldly solidify with my belief:

When you believe that you were "wronged" you may want to think back. Really think back with, Why is this episode occurring or has occurred? For example, if you are a person who believes you have been horribly slighted by another person e.g. cheated on - and don't deserve the fallout from the cheating; perhaps you may want to reevaluate the relationships you have participated in. Were you declaring, as one of the Tiger Woods’ floozies said, "He cheated on his wife. I was not the one cheating." While this disrespector of holy matrimony did not technically "cheat on" Tiger's wife, she participated in behavior that ended up negatively altering and affecting the life of Tiger's wife and child.

To sum this up without reigniting a Tiger Woods discussion:

Ladies, just because you are "not cheating on” anyone in a situation like the T. Woods saga - you are in affect and in fact assisting in a dreadful collision. Like that grandma saying goes: If you were there you are just as guilty. Therefore, please expect karma to slap your ass right in the face one day for sleeping around with a married man. No matter how you conveniently rationalize this disgusting behavior you are wrong. Dead wrong, and should expect for some guiltless and heartless Jezebel to do the same to you one day…if it is not already occurring. Karma is a coming!!

The tragedy will be if you (Ms. Innocent - The Assistant in the crime), cannot humbly put two and two together - and realize:

You are getting your pay back.

WE must learn from our indiscretions...if not - we will definitely perish in our self induced mistakes. Believe me, I am a believer in karma and a deserving victim as a result of the wrongs I have willingly committed.

-The Shadow