People only do what they deem is important to them. The excuses for not doing something are shallow covers of their consciousness ignoring what they have regulated to 'the forgotten or the not enough time'. When you, the person waiting on that something to be done, begin to SEE the person via their non-action the better off you will be.
Women, when a man tells you he is going to do this, do that - and you find yourself waiting...and still wanting - you are the fool. The idiot. Don't re-make him into the liar that your consciousness knew he was before you ended up in emotional limbo. Please don't become a victim as a result of your stupidity or your foolish patience.
A man typically plays his hand early. Go with that play.
Stop wasting you time...Move on!
"A man giving women advice has never been impactful which means the advice goes unheard; never utilized.” –Unknown
No wonder women always end-up crying, sulking for days, and ultimately subconsciously hating men.
Sorry, Ladies, don't call me with your self-induced Job 10:15 (Woe is Me) plagued stories. Big Play-Play Brother ain't trying to listen. Call ya girlfriend that allowed you to make a b-hole out of yourself...
I just might take advantage of you in your fake-azz vulnerability...
Don't call me!
The Shadow
Reader Response:
ReplyDeleteOn point! Especially for not listening to men (that don't have a motive). Then again, I suppose it's human nature to try to "change" or "sway" a person into what the "victim" wanted them to become.
The Shadow responds to previous reader:
ReplyDelete"Human nature"
Come on now...
It is human stupidity to try or have in your mind that you can change someone. Heck, prison, as tough as losing ya freedom can be, people come out unchanged - and they on their way back after few weeks. One of the dumbest, sneakiest, and innocent at times moves one can make is to bet on a change that stems from selfish desires: so the 'hopeful changer' can be happy, content, satisfied, pleased...
People are who they are. We are masters of disclosing ourselves (all one has to do is listen/witness) - but losers at changing self.
This is why we should be with self more of lives than with another. If I am wrong, check out divorce status, domestic violence status, suicides as a result of relationship unhappiness, and the rate people are clinically diagnosised as depressed. All because the mirror is not in our face constantly or we ignore the reflection.
Note I used 'we', peeps. I ain't some preacher who condemns and does not include self!
All in da name of love...Let's step together!
-The Shadow
Reader Response:
ReplyDeleteBPayne,
You are spewing some good stuff. If you can stay in this place and really develop your GODSELF, there is no stopping you. I have always been an introspective person. However, I recently determined that I haven't drilled far enough and have rested too long on my laurels. I know that there is a bigger, better, kinder, gentler, etc. Katrina that lies beneath the surface but I have to invest the time (time that I have wasted in dead end relationships) to dig and mine for her. I believe that this time spent will be the best investment I have ever made.
I am happy for you. Most of us will stay on the relationship carousel for the remainder of our lives, never finding any real or lasting love, happiness or fulfillment because we never took the time to develop our relationships with ourselves. I pray to GOD that ain't never gone be me.
Du Courage
Reader Response:
ReplyDeleteSo I appreciated this one, I agree with most of what you had to say. I like Oprah's saying, "when a guy tells you he's an asshole, BELIEVE HIM!" We do try to change people in relationships, and most of the time it doesn't work out. Makes for great movies though! lol!
But you are definitely on a "hard sell" for this single life thing, what's up with that? And what's her name? :) Seriously, I'm all about finding peace with yourself, as well as the merits of solitude, but you seem to be on a mission with this one, why is that? I will say that being alone is a hell of a lot easier than being in a relationship. Relationships are hard work, take a lot of energy, and can be painful at times. But, when I look at my older couples that have someone to stand beside them during the tough times, I'm not gonna lie, I am envious of that connection. And yes, you can also get that from your kid, maybe that's where you want go, but from my perspective, it is different, I'm just saying. Giving you something to think about when you're ALONE!!! :) And, she just MIGHT be worth all the hard work Payne...just saying! Lol!
-Sn
THe Shadow Responds to SN:
ReplyDeleteI am just at a place in my life where I am serious AGAIN about my growth. And, where I am at. When I really think about my happiness, I have happy thoughts of being in solitude. I was focused and centered. No woman has given me that peace. Not one! Well, the ones I called a girlfriend. I have dated and been boyfriend to SEVERAL GOOD WOMEN. There has been only one woman to provide me peace. She never nagged me about this and that. She is content with herself! That is attractive to me. That constant and reoccurring insecurity is disgustingly unattractive! Guess where the insecurity comes from: trying to be something to someone else. So dumb! Something clicked for me a few months ago. Right before my mentor, Ron Wilkins, died. I had a moment of serious reflection. I saw my life. I saw it being full of bliss when I was working on being the best I could be for me – and not a mate. You are correct, relationships are hard work. Why work hard with a relationship when one has not worked hard to be the manifestation of God’s creation: SELF? We are so programmed to be with someone. And be something for someone. That is a pathetically weak commentary on God’s invention: People. We think we are ‘there’ when we find that one. In most cases, that one is not what you wanted or needed. Why? Because YOU/WE/US have not dealt with who we are. I am on a mission to be me in all areas of my life. Just so happens I am not interested in the drama that bleeds from a relationship. I am content. I know a woman who has a set of girlfriends – ALL of her girlfriends are unhappy in a marriage. My friend is the happiest one of them all. She UNMARRIED! One of my friends constantly complain about her husband. She was crying yesterday after he acted a fool. Yes, I get lonely. Who does not? I know more married people who are alone. Now, that is pathetic. Do I know of a loving relationship or marriage I can refer to for guidance/inspiration? Yes. The Scanlons! What is appealing to me in their marriage: Both are who they are to the fullest! Neither, in 40 years tried to change each other. Actually, they left priesthood and nunnery to be together. They changed who they were to be together. It was not the other way around: Them trying to change each other! That’s what I am talking about.
-The Shadow
Reader Response:
ReplyDeleteYou do seem to have a "hard sell" on being single. If that's what you need to grow then that's what you need. The hard core truth is you nor I would not be here had it not neen for relationships. I am not saying everyone should be married but relationships are essential in any form of human growth. You mentioned that there was only one woman that provided you peace. I submit that that was one woman in which you shared peace with because in the end we are really the masters of our own fate. This pesron probably accepted you for what you showed her about yourself. Realistically we are all in some sort of battle with ourselves and only add to the battle when we try to function in partnership with someone else. These people that bitch and whine about their marriages bitched and whined before their marriages. This woman that claims to be happy alone, well, what else is she supposed to say? Check on her in a few years. Why work hard in a relaationship? For the same reason you work hard on anything else..................results and to bear witness to the fruit of your labor. Wisdom helps you understand that you are running in circles if you don't work hard on self first. The key is WORK. You know that I was living the single life to the fullest for the past 5 years. I found someone that I was willing to WORK with and who was willing to WORK with me. As for me, I can say I'm happy and I don't sit around and bitch about my wife and relationship.........................................and really don't have an interest in listening to another grown person whining about their relationships, married or single.
-PM
The Shadow Responds to PM:
ReplyDeleteHappy for ya. I truly am.
No hard sell.
What's for me is for me. What's for you and others is for you/them.
This woman would not lie to me. She is the essence of happiness. I honor her for focusing on self.
The truth of the matter is we are conditioned to be 'with someone' without being with self. That is a fact. Just look around.
I don't knock marriage or relationships I just select to push a contrast to what this sad culture has pushed on us: be dependent on others for your happiness. That is a dynamic concept considering it worked. Why trust what The Man has told you anyway?
Again, look around. Consider all those shackled to dependency. Think about all the issues that stem from depending on others. Think about the problems we have in this American culture. We are not taking the time to hug ourselves.
I will push self development until I die. Marriage and relationship is secondary. Second to living a life with oneself.
Look for the Godself. Not the self with he/she. If there is a God He will not steer ya wrong. Man/woman will.
By the way, I do not speak in the general. I speak with facts have revealed: domestic violence, suicide, depression. On this one I will say I ain't wrong. Again, look at the facts.
Love thy self!
-The Shadow
Reader Response:
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, many people regardless of who they are get into relationships to mask the struggles that they are facing!! there are men and women who consistently engage sexually with person after person to hide from their inner struggles. these are the relationships that generally end badly or end with one person being extremely hurt. This is primarily because the individuals did not get into the relationships for the correct reasons in the first place.
with this being said it is important for us to take an internal look at ourselves and be able to resolve whatever contradictions that we have before we engage emotionally with another person. this emotional engagment can also pertain to friendships as well as emotional relationships.
However, I also believe that positive relationships help a person grow and develop. I do not beleive that we should be afraid to be in relationships for fear that we will have to do work. Relationships are about work but at the end of the day the work will make us stronger and better people. many of us view relationships as a way to get our individual needs met and being in relationships should be about becoming a better person and enhancing the lives of our partners!! once we realize that relationships are about growing and developing as a person and as a couple we will embrace the relationship process!!
-MF
Reader Response:
ReplyDeleteI'm agreeing with what Patrick and Mjiba wrote, especially about the root of self-growth being in how we engage in relationships. And I can also appreciate that it's important to know thyself before enagaging in the most difficult of relationships, or even while in that relationship. I get it Payne, I really do.
But just as you push the 'single card,' I think it's important to acknowledge that just as people get into relationships for the wrong reasons, people can STAY out of relationships for the wrong reasons as well, with fear and selfishness leading that charge. I speak from my own experience in this place. I am a happily single woman, and am grateful that I was able to work on myself and my baggage without getting involved in relationship hoping that it would "fix" everything. But, I am alone, getting ready to explore single motherhood, and I'm not gonna lie, I wish I had a partner to share the next journey with. Not just parenting, but growing old with as well. As I look back at past relationships, I can own the fact that I was afraid of a lot of things that stopped me from making that committment, fear of being hurt being primary, but also my own selfishness of not wanting to change my ways much or make the accommodations/work that was demanded of the relationship. I hope I would be different if another opportunity arose.
All I'm saying Payne is in your place of self-growth and discovery, don't forget to look at the fears part, as well as the selfish part, it's not fun, but it is empowering...
-SN
The Shadow responds:
ReplyDeleteDo you first is all I am saying with responsibility.
Look within! White people have this down. They backpack in Europe for a year. Join the Peace Corps. Spend time volunteering. All this in search for themselves. While we jump to working for them and beating ourselves up with no knowledge of self. We need to stop doing what Europeans have told us to do. It did not work. Ain't gonna work.
Strength comes from inner self. We gain this strength from deep contemplation. I am tired of the same shyt. Thus the reason my path will be solo until I get it together with Brian E. Payne.
I really don't need a mate. I am serious about that. Again, I get lonely. So... I read. I spend time with kids. I have so much peace alone. I don't want anyone else in my bed, btw.
I am liking me. This is where it starts/begins. Be like the Buddha: explore alone. What black Christians do is try to be with a weak azz Jesus. Everything about this brand of Jesus and Christianity says DEPEND on Jesus and others. Not depend on self. Black people are idiots for believing this crap. Oh! This is what we are taught. Another excuse...
I gain strength in the self struggling.
Lately, I have discovered that my platonic friendships with females is more valuable to me. Sex clouds things - but as a man I can separate that animalistic act from emotion. Glad I can too!
-The Shadow
Reader PM responds:
ReplyDeleteBrian,
What the HELL are you talking about? White people don't have an inside track on self-growth or relationships. 2 of the few fields where all humans are on the same playing field.
-PM
The Shadow responds to PM:
ReplyDeleteWhite folk take the time to explore self. I served overseas with them. I know where they were in their development. It was, 'what do I want to do with my life - who am I'. Blacks are slaves to The Man. And ya know it. This is the reason blacks struggle with self development.
-The Shadow
PM responds to The Shadow:
ReplyDeleteYou are way off base! You are basically stereotyping whites and blacks.
-PM
The Shadow responds to PM:
ReplyDeleteMost stereotypes are true. Black people are masters of validating stereotypes. Off base? I was there with 60 plus white men and women who stated, "I joined Peace Corps to help search for who I am. To discover myself." Be honest, name ten black people who you have heard say that. You can't. You can't.
I do not highlight whites as suprem. We do have a lot to learn from them that we refuse to embrace. We too busy forgiving white folk.
What's funny is I am only repeating what the Nation of Islam has said for years. You and others reading have heard The Honorable speak before. His message is what I have 'stolen' from him. By the way, you and those reading stood in applause to what The Honorable Louis Farakhan has said...I am certain. The man is right! Love thy self FIRST.
-The Shadow