Hang out.
Casually get to know the man while hooking up. It is all about having fun. A good time. No stress.
Sex is pretty much a guarantee. I list this with assurance because I have the acquired understanding that many white girls are of the belief that sex is not a prerequisite to a relationship. Not that I believe that white women are sluts! Floozies come in all forms. Including in male.
Black women will meet a man, and the first thoughts are:
Marriage material or not.
Child or Children.
Then the Dating begins. Note I used the word 'dating'. For some reason, it has to be more formal than hanging out. Which in my experience brings an uneasy level of intensity to the mix. Makes it more important than what it is at the time. Which is laughable to me considering men are thinking along the lines of hittin it without feelings attached while the female is preparing to change the brotha so she can keep him – and/or save the brotha with help from Christ? Save him from what, by the way? Note also that the thoughts of the 'essentials' e.g. marriage and children are pre-dating.
Sex is the cement seal. It locks the brotha in. He has a girlfriend now! It becomes ridiculously serious like sex is not a natural animalistic act that humans physically want/need. Sex in many cases is some how used to legitimize the 'situation' which is a complete turn off for countless men: ‘Dang, I just banged it out. Nothing more!’ For the record, my white homie from Texas said that white women lock him down after he slangs it too!
As The Shadow thinks about this, he is certainly aware that his thoughts are experience based - and may not be the norm. A possible huge generalization on both ends of the spectrum for black and white women. However (However not used to negate The Shadow’s previous sentence), as The Shadow talk with men and women (mostly black and white of each gender) he is noticing a trend.
The Difference:
There is such a sense of black female urgency along the lines of relationships and dating in the black community. As if the white meat chicken sale is about to be over. As if the Frankie Beverly and Maze tickets are about to be sold out. As if the Mayfield ice cream is melting. As if it (whatever it is) is fading or dying faster than usual.
Just thinking.
Please validate or challenge my thoughts.
-The Shadow
I think you are onto something that is true for black women. For me, until about January 2010, I would size up every guy that I dated as marriage material. It nearly drove me to drink. But I preferred to keep my sanity and just relaxed on the agenda to look for "the one."
ReplyDeleteBut I still believe that no one should have sex with someone that they can't imagine themselves having a child with. Mistakes happen and a child could result.
Charlene-
ReplyDeleteI believe too many of us are looking for "the one" instead of enjoying life. I say just live. Have a good time. If one gives up the 'goods' he/she needs to take responsibility - and should not get all bent out of shape if things dissolve. People come and go. Maintaining a healthy soul is what's important. It is simple: if one cannot give up the booty without keeping feelings in check he or she needs to keep the booty tight or in da pants. Also, people need to work on being ALONE. This is where true self love begins!
The Shadow
Ok Shadow,
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with you for the most part. The one area where I take issue is when you say the “Then the Dating begins.” Black women do not date. They have been taught to have relationships because too many dates will label them as loose women, whores, or sluts, because for them dating means having sex, which is not the case. So they don’t date, they have relationships. And, yes for most, sex solidifies the relationship regardless of what has or has not been communicated. Now, in comparison to their white counterparts, they have been taught to date, something I’ve learned early on from living in a predominately white town with tons of white friends. The sentiment is that dating is the means by which you discover what you want and don’t want, who you click with and who you don’t. I think that for most black women, dating means having sex and if you have sex then you have to be in a relationship that carries feelings and emotions, whereas for white women that is not the case.
Personally, for me, I was encouraged by my mother to date and not think about getting married until I was well into my 30s. She encouraged all her daughters to be their own women and not worry about what people had to say about you, for she believed that folks will always have something negative to say. In other words, my mother was telling us to “DO US” long before it was fashionable, kudos to MOM!
You also speak about a sense of urgency by black women to be married and have kids, and initially I was not in agreement with that but after more thought, I have to agree as it relates to professional unmarried black women that desire to have children and do it the “right way.” But I see it more so in professional white women, perhaps because that is with whom I work more often. So, the urgency is not exclusive to black women but all women that feel time is slipping way.
Jinxx
Based upon experience, I would tend to agree with this assessment. Being white myself, I have noticed a major difference with how a white woman and a black woman approach a relationship with me...and I know this is generalizing (it is based upon my own experience) successful, single black women tend to want to be more controlling in the relationship whereas a successful, single white woman is more submissive to her man. When it comes to sex, it does seem to me that black women (albeit, in my experience) are more prone to use sex (or lack thereof) as a weapon and as a motivational treat than white women are. Sure, we all like a tease...but if I'm WITH you, I should be getting it whenever I want...not when you decide to "give me a taste" because I've been a good boy in your eyes. I love women...race or ethnicity be damned...but many successful black women I have been with lately have an "I'm owed this" attitude that is very unappealing. White women seem to be more about "going with the flow". Granted, this is only a generalization based upon personal experience, but it is quickly becoming a stereotype...and its not doing any of us any favors. Bottom line?...White women, grow a set...black women, relax and breathe. Not every guy is out there to ONLY get a piece of ass from you...but when you say that you are our lady, we expect everything that goes along with that. Denying a relationship sex is like denying it oxygen...and it will die.
ReplyDeleteNot all guys are selfish lovers...and not all women are ready to be in a serious relationship. Black women in particular...hear me on this: Trust the man you are with to be a man...and don't try to change him to meet your needs. If he loves you, he will adapt to your needs...but when you try to change him and his behavior to get him to be what you want him to be...it kills a piece of his soul. If you want to be with me...then be with me and don't pretend like I'm what you're looking for and then try to change everything about me that makes me me.
I've said my peace.
Thanks Shadow...thanks for instigating the thoughtflow that inspired me to write this and work it out.
--J
Interesting topic...Women generally uses whatever works for them in the past. As a blk woman myself, I do see it both ways. Some woman trying to get to the altar before the clock tolls but others strolling not really caring if they get there or not. I agree men and women should just enjoy the ride and treat each encounter as opportunities to know what they truly want in a relationship
ReplyDelete