Before we enrolled in kindergarten we should have known the importance of sharing. Right? I recall the numerous pleas my mother made for me to share with my brother and sister: “Brian, you know you are suppose to share.” I also remember how I begrudgingly shared my Salvation Army toys and grandma prepared food with them. It was a much more difficult task for me when moneyless friends surprisingly appeared as the ice cream truck clunkered through the neighborhood hocking expired ice cream. So much for my two Blue Bunny Strawberry Shortcakes! Had to give one to Mookie!Recently, I mentioned to a friend: “Black women may want to consider sharing the remaining good black men. She may also want to contemplate dating outside her race or not date at all.” I supported my statement with the following information.
*At midyear 2008, there were 4,777 black male inmates per 100,000 U.S. residents being held in state or federal prison and local jails, compared to 1,760 Hispanic male inmates per 100,000 U.S. residents and 727 white male inmates per 100,000 U.S. residents. The rate for black males is expected to climb as it has for years.
*The statistics reveal that less than 1/3 of black males that enroll in college graduate within 6 years and that black women out number black men by a factor of nearly 2:1 in college. 2:1 appears to be a small factor. However, when one considers the imprisonment rate for black men the 2:1 factor becomes considerably significant.
*While African Americans comprise 13.5% of the U.S. Population, 43% of all murder victims in 2007 were African American, 93% of whom were killed by African Americans.
The numbers are not alarming to me at all! For years now, I have been sadly aware that black men are entering Uncle Sam’s and private corporation’s penitentiaries by the numbers, that black men are rare novelties on college campuses, and that black men are slaughtering each other over foolishness e.g. No Snitching Rule.
With this understanding, I have come to the conclusion that black women have some tough decisions to make. Some are already prepared to face reality: “And if by chance I run into the love of my life and he knocks me off my feet, is able to provide for his family, raise and lead our children in a positive direction, and love me with all his might, treats me like the queen that I am, I will not have a problem with the fact that it may not be a brother!!!” –Sherri Rushing
I conclude with a question that immediately prompt my friend to boldly exclaim, “I ain’t sharing no man.”
Really? One, she may be sharing him now – and not know it. Two, she may eat that knee-jerk response sooner rather than later. That’s if she’s unwilling to date outside her race or enjoys going to bed alone for the long term.
Question:
Ladies, are you willing to SHARE a good black man if the circumstances are beneficial to you in some capacity?
-The Shadow
Reader Response:
ReplyDeleteAm I willing to SHARE a good black man if the circumstances are beneficial to me in some capacity?
"HELL NO" if I was married.
HOWEVER
I do realize that being "single" I am already "sharing" my...let's see what do I call them.."FANS"..which I don't mind. It is what it is....two adults enjoying each other's company while playing by the rules.
-PL
I agree COMPLETELY……NO SHARING IF MARRIED. It’s black or white…..not a gray area at all. For me. There are some women, that don’t mind doing that ( i.e. our parents generation….”as long as he is taking care of home, let him do what he wants”). There are some women that just can’t live without a man…any man, as long as she has someone around. I am so blessed and Thankful that I am not any of them.
ReplyDeleteBeing single with “FANS” or Friends with Benefits…..is enough, alright, already!! Oh and really what I am saying is….in the words of Whitney Houston…..”Hell to the Nawh”
-NJ
The way I see it is that NO Good Man would be willing to share his Woman, so why should women!
ReplyDeleteThe saddest part of the Black culture is that we are not in POWER, therefore we cannot solve problems effectively. We as a black race do not and I repeat DO NOT value ourselves as a people. If we as Black people saw ourselves as a Nation there would be no way in hell that a Good Black Man would allow his family, wife, girlfriend, fellow black folk to fill the jails and suffer.
So to answer your question the only way I will Share a Good Black Man is that he is being a mentor to child that has no father. That he is giving his time to effectively solve problems that will enhance the life of our beautiful black children and adults. Yes, I will share this Man in the capacity that He is giving his Time not f*cking some other woman, but letting her know that she is Special and that she deserves the BEST out of Life and He show is showing her this by example with the relationship Him that He is in. And yes, I will even share this man with the World because as we raise our children to be productive citizens to the BLACK RACE I will know that I will have to Share HIM!
-Freedom
I am not a man, but I would think that if a man can have all the women he wants, through sharing and be single, why would be want to get married. And more importantly, if he is used to sharing and that being ok with the women that he is dating why would he all of a sudden become Mr. faithful to his wife? Dating multiple women, juggling phone calls, dates, and sex is a skill that men have to perfect. And much of this has to be done under the guise of being dishonest or acting in an alluding manner. How does one change those habits just because they marry.
ReplyDeleteI dated this brotha once who was somewhat of a ladies man in his youth, he bragged about dating 5 women at a time in his hayday. He said he was embarassed by some of his actions and had been ready for a long time to be happy and date one women. (Which he claimed he was doing with me) Anyhow, his behaviour mirrored the type of behavior that he had to have exibited when he was dating 5 women. This I believe is because of the fact that dating is a learned behavior and we bring each learned behavior into the next relationship.
To me sharing is not an option regardless if I am married or not. If that means I have to sit in my house and look at the wall by myself then thats what it means. Because although, we are talking about sharing men or women, lets think about the feelings and emotional turmoil that is involved in sharing.
-MF
I agree with Freedom. I would ONLY share my man in the instances where he is promting positve outreach in the community, to help/teach a child, strenghten our communities etc. I REFUSE to knowingly share him with ANOTHER WOMAN.
ReplyDelete-SR
Hmmm, thats an interesting article....can't wait to hear more responses.....
ReplyDeletethis white lady doesn't like to share :)
-TK
Did the black women read the statistics in the commentary that The Shadow wrote? Are black women so stuck on doing it the 'right way' that they cannot see/accept that they are the most unmarried species on earth? Do they really understand if they are single now that they may NEVER get married? Why are these black women so h*ll bent against doing what has worked for years: sharing? Are the black women of today so stuck on ego that they cannot compromise to have what they were RAISED to attain: a MAN?
ReplyDeleteThe Shadow wants to know!
The Shadow
Freedom responds to The Shadow:
ReplyDeleteThis is the most egoistical crap I have read. The burden has NEVER been on the Black women. It has always been on the Black Man to value Black women and their Black race. Now if this Black Man want to be polygamist, then I suggest he Married all these women that He is F*cking and make descent wives out of them ALL. And the children they are surely to produce from ALL the sharing that's going on nowadays.
Why should Black women have to look outside of their race. That's the crazy part of this whole commentary. I'll tell you why because Black Men are so powerless and they can't even control their children! They allow society to come in and brainwash them and then you will the statistics you mentioned. If we keep looking to another race of people to make things better for us our race will be mixed will all sorts of stuff besides prisons!
-Freedom
Reader Responds to Freedom:
ReplyDeleteFreedom you are dead on!! Let me also point out that we seem to not realize that we can determine what we accept and the type of lives that we live. If continue to accept that fact that our children are going to be incarcerated then they will be. Once we step up and decide that we need to make a change in our community we will begin to see a difference in the rates of women who are getting married.
I hate to always go here, but the fact that we are concerned about our own individual happiness without looking at the fact that our community is struggling is our problem. Our fear as a people of changing our conditions has us where we are. Lets change the way we think about who we are and what we are capable of. If we accept that we will always be in a situation where we will have to share, then we will be. This will only give way for excuses that will allow inappropriate behavior, which will further break down our community.
-MF
Reading some of the feedback has been interesting. I hear the resounding replies of "No I'm not Sharing my Man" The sad reality of this situation is that many, I'm going to repeat people, MANY OF YOU ARE ALREADY SHARING A MAN!
ReplyDeleteI'm a single woman in Atlanta and I get approached more by married men with big rings on their fingers that want to pay my bills, invest in my work, take me on trips and all the while they have wives and children. I always find it interesting that when I walk into a restaurant or event the women hold on to their "husbands". No need to worry if he's going to cheat it’s going to happen, if it's in him ,even if you hold them close. I currently work with a woman that has no problem sharing, she enjoys the lack of commitment without having to be the "wife" or the "the bottom Bitch". In my vocab that's simply called low self-esteem.
The sad truth of this situation is you end up with a Donovan Mcnabb situation. You can't tell me his wife didn't know what was going. She was being taken care of and that was sufficient. Yes sadly the amount of black men that are either incarcerated or decided on an "alternative lifestyle" is staggering. The question we must ask ourselves is are we willing to love ourselves enough not to "Indulge in Self-Hate", is self-respect for sale like a pot of Fools Gold?
True everyone wants to be in a "healthy relationship" the key word being healthy but at what cost? Statistics can say a lot on paper but who cares! According to statistics I should have been on my third child, never had any degrees, never own property and should be about 50 pounds over weight from high blood pressure and diabetes. Gotta to make myself laugh, none of them are true!
I don't need to share because I know I'm worth more than that notion. How do I know it you may ask? God told me I was made in his image therefore I will reap all I ask for and so shall anyone out there willing to not settle for what "Statistics" states we are!
Have a Blessed week, thanks for letting me "Share" pun intended!
-NN
Fredom responds to NN:
ReplyDeleteI think the sad reality is NOT that "MANY OF YOU ARE ALREADY SHARING A MAN!" That sad Reality is that many of US are SINGLE!
-Freedom
NN responds to Freedom:
ReplyDeleteOn that note I disagree, this is what the Bible says about being single! It's not the end of the world if you're not and it's not meant for everyone! You a can be a "Whole Person" without another last name attached to your own!
1 Corinthians 7:7–8 (NIV)
“I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.” Notice that he says some have the gift of singleness and some the gift of marriage. Although it seems that nearly everyone marries, it is not necessarily God's will for everyone. Paul, for example, did not have to worry about the extra problems and stresses that come with marriage and/or family. He devoted his entire life to spreading the Word of God. He would not have been such a useful messenger if he had been married.
-NN
Lord, FINALLY someone was bold enough to say it! Ladies, in many cases you are sharing already! If this was said and I missed it FORGIVE me. Unbeknownst to you you are sharing someone else's bodily fluids - or is it you refuse to know? Pretend like you don't know so you can keep what reminisce of a man ya have?
ReplyDeleteGreat points have been made. However, ONLY ONE female has expressed that she is willing to seek comfort/love/happiness outside her race. She willing to give white boy a try. Asian boy. Latino boy. Middle Eastern boy.
"on my third child, never had any degrees, never own property and should be about 50 pounds over weight from high blood pressure and diabetes."
That above is not a random stat. It is da truth for those black folk we call 'cousins'.
The Shadow wants to know how much longer are you GOOD black women going to wait on these black men? Heck, while you wait the brothas are moving onto the white chicks. They say the white chicks thick down there in The A, DC, and B-More. Just like the brothas like'em!
The Shadow
no not waiting...single by choice and enjoying life.
ReplyDelete-PL
Hello Shadow,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the shout out from this reply, I'm only telling the truth. As far as waiting on a "Brotha" I date the man not his race. I've dated outside my race for years. I have love my the "Brothas" but my patience level has long been diminished.
As far as my "Cousins" as I described in my last statement, it's a choice. I've chosen to not have kids outside of marriage, I've chosen to exercise and eat healthy because I respect the "temple" which God has Blessed me with. We all have choices it's ours to make good, not so good and indifferent.
-NN
The Shadow, please! As one of the few good men out there, is this you're attempt at seeking permission?
ReplyDeleteI do think the statistics are sad, and even more so that I agreed with your last blog about black women surpassing their brothers. Depressing. And even more sad is the more successful women get, in any race, the the less likely they are to find a mate. I know, we are too intimidating and most men can't handle it, but it's still sad.
So yes, women of all color need to spread their wings and venture out to other territories. And all of us women need to look at what we are really looking for in a man. Did you read what Michelle Obama had to say about finding a man? Very interesting.
But sharing? My lord The Shadow, men are the worst multi-taskers out there! Do you know in Malaysia that in order for a man to take a second wife (where it's legal) they have to insure that this 2nd wife will be provided for financially, emotionally, etc the same as the 1st wife. I will have you know that many men decide not to take on a 2nd wife. Honestly, I think women wouldn't mind sharing as much if we know that we would be treated equally and fairly. You men will never be able to figure that out. And that's why men have women on the side, so that they DON'T have treat women equally. You guys like you're cake and eat it too, and don't like to give it back, which is the MAIN reason we don't like to share. We hardly get our needs met with the guy that we are with, we sure as hell don't want to reduce our needs anymore by sharing!
And we also wouldn't mind sharing if what goes around comes around. So if we have to share you, then you'll have to share us...a proposition that most men won't sign up for due their very large egos.
So yes, in theory your idea has some merit, but in reality once again you men would not be rise to that occasion and do what it would take to keep us satisfied.
love and laughs.
Wow, great dialogue.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the masses, I would not knowingly stay in a relationship where my man has another woman or multiple women. I’m a true believer that what is done in the dark will come to light, so if by chance the man I’m seeing is out there I’ll know in time and then it’s a WRAP! You can only change things that you accept and acknowledge, but the sad part is that most women don’t want to know because then they will have to do something about it if they have any self-respect about themselves. Now, if I were looking to settle down and get married, yes, I would date outside my race in an effort to find my mate.
-EFJ
Interesting commentary. I find it interesting how many woman say outloud that they wouldn't share but many of the same women would turn a blind eye to obvious things that would let you know they are sharing.
ReplyDeleteI also was not able to read all of the commentary but I'd like to add that the numbers you posted are staggering but they don't tell the whole story. Its hard to find a good mate no matter what and if you look at the experiences that many black men and women go through as children and adults it's not shocking that the numbers aren't the only contributing factors to the large number of single black women. A large number of us (black men) has to be men way before it was our time. Being a man is even harder when you have to teach yourself. Many of us have this experience just as many of our women. Add these experiences together and you can clearly see the struggles that a black man and a black woman will have. One thing that I think we as a race need to do is seek more counseling. We often times try to take on the world and we aren't always equipped mentally for that. We try so hard that when we get home we have nothing left and that causes rifts at the crib.
Back to sharing. Shadow? What did you mean by sharing. Did you mean sharing the man totally? DId you mean sharing him physically, emotionally? One thing I will say is that as a culture we have this idea of what love is and we have concluded that it's supposed to be between one woman and one man. However, it goes against the vry foundation of human nature. I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with the concept of "sharing" for those who can't a person that fits them soley and they are exclusive. However, the selfishness of people would certainly get in the way. I actually contend that those who can share are actually people who are totally in love and secure in whatever they feel their relationship should be. Those who scratch the surface of love would not be able to handle it.
-LS
I wonder what the discussion would be if we were talking about men being the ones who have to share a women? when we talk about the stats and the situation that women are in, howcome we are not discussing the ramifications of sharing? what happens when a sista gets pregnant by a man who has three other women? what message does that send the children that are a result of this sharing? how does a mother explain to her child that he or she is a result of sharing and is a result of our actions? what we demand of ourselves today will determine our peoplea future.
ReplyDelete-MF
sharing - no way
ReplyDeletedating within other ethnic groups (including white men) - for me,maybe/fine for others
living alone - fine with me
in the words of bill cosby, "come on people" raise our boys (and girls) properly and finding a black mate will no longer be an issue. regardless, interracial dating is destined for the future.
-DB
I would'nt touch this. People in general don't truly understand themselves much less understand another person. Relationships are based on ideas, theories, and experiences. trying to totally fulfill another persons ideas and theories most often prove to be frustrating.
ReplyDeleteSharing is subjective..............................In the end we all have to on some level.
-PM