I have been married for 8 years. The first seven years were remarkable. I went into my marriage believing it would be a difficult adjustment for me. After being single for so long I was afraid that I would have a hard time adapting to sharing and compromising. I must admit that it has not been that tough. I attribute this to my wife. She has been my rock. My confidant. That special friend we all have needed or will need one day. It is her that’s made this new status blissful. But, like all good runs there are steep hills that can stop the best man/woman in his/her tracks.
For the past year my wife and I have NOT HAD SEX. It was not until the six month that I started to believe that we could be heading in the wrong direction. Going without sex for half a year after getting it at least 2-3 times a week for eight years has disrupted the flow of our marriage. Sex is certainly not everything – but it has been a part of our foundation.
We have used sex to procreate, for fun, for the good sensory feeling it brings, and to eliminate stress. Both of our children are older, and do not require the task that typically get in the way of a pleasing sexual experience. My wife claims she is “temporarily unmotivated”. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard, “Baby, I am just going through something. I will be back to normal soon.” She has assured me that she does not have a health or psychological issue. So, what could be the problem?
I have not gained any weight. I am still “fine”. She tells me this every other day – but she ain’t following the compliments up with giving me the azz. At this point, I am extremely frustrated. I have prayed about this. Still no answer. Being that I am a saved man (a deacon in the church); I must say that I am spiritually conflicted too.
My flesh constantly pulls me toward satisfying that sexually urge and need. My mind tells me that cheating is not the answer. However, I feel CHEATED by my wife. Here I am, a dynamic father, great husband, and a devoted Christian – but I am currently in a predicament where my options are: go out and get some booty or wait this out with my wife. For another freaking year?!
To be quite frank, I have been more than patient. It has been a damn year without sex from my friend and lover. And, even more critical for me is I am pissed off at my wife for putting me in this complex spot: On the verge of breaking my commitment to God. This one factor angers me the most because I am at this crossroad of dishonoring my Lord. Ultimately, it will be God who I betray. The vows. The sanity of our union is at stake because my wife woke-up one morning, and decided she was tired of having sex. She has that right, of course. Nonetheless, we have a duty to please each other in the ways that we established prior to marriage and during our marriage.
She is not holding up her end of the deal, and if she does not deal appropriately I am going to end up Cheating God, my wife, and myself. No one wins under these circumstances. No one!
What shall I do?
For the past year my wife and I have NOT HAD SEX. It was not until the six month that I started to believe that we could be heading in the wrong direction. Going without sex for half a year after getting it at least 2-3 times a week for eight years has disrupted the flow of our marriage. Sex is certainly not everything – but it has been a part of our foundation.
We have used sex to procreate, for fun, for the good sensory feeling it brings, and to eliminate stress. Both of our children are older, and do not require the task that typically get in the way of a pleasing sexual experience. My wife claims she is “temporarily unmotivated”. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard, “Baby, I am just going through something. I will be back to normal soon.” She has assured me that she does not have a health or psychological issue. So, what could be the problem?
I have not gained any weight. I am still “fine”. She tells me this every other day – but she ain’t following the compliments up with giving me the azz. At this point, I am extremely frustrated. I have prayed about this. Still no answer. Being that I am a saved man (a deacon in the church); I must say that I am spiritually conflicted too.
My flesh constantly pulls me toward satisfying that sexually urge and need. My mind tells me that cheating is not the answer. However, I feel CHEATED by my wife. Here I am, a dynamic father, great husband, and a devoted Christian – but I am currently in a predicament where my options are: go out and get some booty or wait this out with my wife. For another freaking year?!
To be quite frank, I have been more than patient. It has been a damn year without sex from my friend and lover. And, even more critical for me is I am pissed off at my wife for putting me in this complex spot: On the verge of breaking my commitment to God. This one factor angers me the most because I am at this crossroad of dishonoring my Lord. Ultimately, it will be God who I betray. The vows. The sanity of our union is at stake because my wife woke-up one morning, and decided she was tired of having sex. She has that right, of course. Nonetheless, we have a duty to please each other in the ways that we established prior to marriage and during our marriage.
She is not holding up her end of the deal, and if she does not deal appropriately I am going to end up Cheating God, my wife, and myself. No one wins under these circumstances. No one!
What shall I do?
Written by The Shadow. Story told by...
Reader Response:
ReplyDeleteWhy don't he just get a divorce before he cheats God, his wife, and himself? Seems simple to me.
-TM
Great story to comment on and pray about for them (my personal choice to do). Smile. It is difficult but he needs to tell his wife the brink he is being pushed toward and then seek counseling - both of them - individual & together. Also, he might consider if she is cheating and has decided she is not as happy as she once led him to believe. That happens too.
ReplyDelete-JA
Muata responds to JA:
ReplyDeleteHe is so conflicted. Some seem to think this is a simple matter in that he should just get a divorce. I am so tired of us seeking divorce prior to working through it with communication, counseling, and prayer.
-Muata
JA Responds to Muata:
ReplyDeleteI totally agree. Divorce is not the answer - at least not at this stage. He seems to really be trying. He alsmost seems unreal because he is actually trying to obstain from cheating. I am really going to be praying fo rboth of them.
-JA
I agree divorce is not the answer. I also agree that he needs to spell it out to his wife, straight up, no sugar! In fact, give his wife a copy of this and let her know it bout us. And if after that she is unwilling to communicate why she has abandoned their sexual partnership, the maybe it's time to move on. But it all starts with communication, blunt and direct communication.
ReplyDeleteElaine
Reader Response:
ReplyDeleteI feel like something is missing...her side of the story. He may think he's doing=2 0the "right" things to make her happy but maybe he's not "in-tuned" to what she needs. He says that she has been his rock & confidant but has he been there for her in that way? Maybe she wants some more PDA. Maybe she wants to go out more. Maybe she wants more romance. Maybe she wants more help around the house. Maybe she needs him to listen and be there for her. Maybe he's not sensitive to whatever she's going through and she feels due to that her husband doesn't get her at all. If he doesn't get her in her eyes she could be thinking that "after all of these years my man doesn't know me, care about or even love me."As a result she doesn't want to have sex w/him. Yes she should just tell him if there's a problem but some women want men to figure it out. Unhealthy way to live...I think so...but as we all know, communication is a major issue in all relationships. If he can't "figure out" the problem, he may need to sit down w/her and talk to her. I mean really talk and not just ask "What wrong?" "Why are we not having sex anymore?"
-YW
Muata Responds to YW:
ReplyDelete"Yes she should just tell him if there's a problem but some women want men to figure it out."
I am glad you realize this is an "unhealthy" way to handle the issue. I am not trying to "figure it out". That's crazy! Too old for that juvenile approach. We did that in high school. She needs to tell this man the damn truth. Trust me too: This brotha is THE BEST husband. He is doing all those duties you listed. I told him if his wife does not get her act together, and after counseling he should hit the road. Too many men stain themselves by cheating; and ultimately he needs to get gone so that he will not disappoint his Maker by bailing on the vows.
-Muata
Reader YW responds to Muata:
ReplyDeleteI don't feel comfortable telling someone to stay or leave their spouse especially since I have never been married. Plus I never like it when couples break up. I have an old fashion way of thinking about marriage and that couples should stick it out and work out their problems. My parents are still together after 39 yrs and a lot of people in my family are together so I hope that for other people and for myself if I ever get married. Of course if there's no repairing of the marriage then I guess it has to end. The only way I woud tell someone to leave if there's physical abuse because that's completely unacceptable. It's unfortunate when some women want men to be mind readers and I guess if someone can grow out of their childish way of thinking someone can grow into that thinking. I hope it works out for them:-)
-YW
Wow! Thanks for sharing. Interesting predicament. I'd like to know the resolution.
ReplyDelete