I am Free

Without a doubt 2011 was by far one of the best years of my adult life; with it all beginning to be a year of cherished appreciation on February 25, 2011 at 5:30PM. 

On that remarkable day I became a liberated man with the help of a strategic but ultimately a bureaucratic decision made by the Corporation for National and Community Service. Goodwill of North Georgia’s federal grant application with CNCS for an additional three years of AmeriCorps representation and service was denied at the beginning of Black History Month. 

That decision was believed by me at the time to be tragic. I panicked…I was afraid. So many thoughts filled my brain: ‘What am I going to do about health insurance…How I will afford to pay the pre-school tuition?’ Ultimately, the business decision led to my termination of employment with Goodwill of North Georgia. I was not fired…just let go. That indicating to me that the magnificent AmeriCorps program and members that I managed were essentially no longer needed at Goodwill. 

In Goodwill’s and CNCS’s regretful retrospect, I am convinced that the service of these great men and women is missed and to some extent still desired. Nonetheless, my departure was choreographed to be quiet and without my words of respectful, but piercing protest. Admittingly, I was somewhat bitter, but not filled with unhealthy contempt. 

Little did I know that Goodwill and the Corporation was helping me attain the most sought after status known to mankind:

FREE

 The Freedom was initially rocky. Like a typical Living to Work American, it was difficult to accept that I was no longer mentally attached to a 9 to 5 or confined by a BlackBerry. I bounced from intense clinical depression to happiness and back to treatable and eventually conquered depression. The Freedom continued with me developing feelings of resentment. I resented the pieces of expensive paper that just this week made their way into a frame accented by colorful borders; eventually finding a home on my freshly painted walls…My undergraduate and seminary degrees. The Freedom found its way to my pessimistic philosophical disposition. Then suddenly I woke-up one morning prepared to acknowledge that this turbulent boat ride had to come to an end; I made my way back to land.  

On that peace-filled day in October I thought about the now minor blip in my journey…my storm. It was over. The waters became still. And, to this very day I am happy…I am a purchaser and an owner of Simplicity. 

 

After all these years I have secured what so many die chasing. Yes, I am broke. Yes, I am barely making it each month. Yes, I have had to dig deep for more humility. Yes, I have borrowed money. Yes, my credit score has taken an irreparable hit. Yes, I have accepted handouts. Yes, I have participated in lawful activity that many may tag as immoral so that I could provide for not myself – but for my Mordecai and Emani. Yes, I am on Shore!

Most importantly, I have Arrived. I am ready to live…already living – and good, by the way. I am in an emotional state that welcomes death. That’s a wonderful place…feeling. To know that my living has not been in vain and to know that life should be what we fight not to accept or be, Simple.

I thank all the kindhearted men and women who have been in the dark corner with me this year…even when I did everything in my power to isolate myself from you, your help, and your well-wishes you remained resolute…determined to bring me out of my disgusting self-pity.  

I am Free, and I intend on NEVER becoming imprisoned again. If this means that I have to empty trash, clean pools, rake and bag leaves, pull debris out of gutters, move furniture, walk dogs, wash cars, house-sit, pressure wash steps, disinfect filthy apartments, serve as a taxi driver, donate a seed of life for rewarding compensation, write papers and complete academic assignments for friends, sale and/or pawn all the immaterial items remaining in my home, day labor with men who want what every human being deserves, Dignity

Or never again officially use my treasured symbols of higher learning achievement…I will. 

Believe it or not, my happiness is no longer connected to Uncle Sam’s superficial perquisites for contentment. 

I am Free…

The Shadow